Pornography and You

The Road to Victory

2007-03-29T00:14:00.000-07:00

Since I started this website in August of last year, I have experienced a lot of ups and downs in my struggle against pornography. I'm sure many of you recognize the scenario of thinking you are beginning to win, only to fail and feel like you have to start all over again. This process is very frustrating and can sometimes lead to a desperation.

In December, some things took place in my life that really made it clear to me that a change needs to occur in my life. Isn't it easy to fool yourself and tell yourself that nobody is really affected by your sin - not even you yourself? Reality tells us that we are selling ourselves short, we are selling our partner or future partner short, and we are affecting the larger body of Christ through our sin. When this hit home last December, a change began to occur in my life. This change came so suddenly that it's almost inexplicable to me apart from the grace of God. All I can say that I realized the consequences of my deeds in a new light and decided it was time for all of this to end.

You know, Ted Haggard didn't just fall. He was a man with struggles that are in one way quite similar to yours and mine. I realized that if I do not deal with my struggles here and now, I will go into ministry because of God's anointing and calling on my life...but I might end up just like Ted Haggard, with a broken family, a broken church, and a broken ministry. Is that a price I am willing to pay for the sake of looking at pornography?

I decided I'm not willing to pay that price. In January, I got into a relationship that has proven to be everything I have ever desired in a relationship and more. We have an openness and a vulnerability that is both rare and extremely valuable. Through this relationship and the openness, God has given me a new impetus to deal with pornography. Instead of giving in to the thoughts that sometimes spontaneously pop into my head, I text or call my girlfriend. Even knowing that she is praying for me in my struggle - even sending the text message in the first place - brings me so much closer to victory and takes the sting out of the lies Satan throws at me.

Because they are lies , my friend. Nothing is more beautiful than for two people to come together on their wedding day and strip themselves of all protection, of all walls, and become as vulnerable and unprotected as anybody could ever be. Sex celebrates that vulnerability and expresses the spiritual and emotional union between two individuals in such a beautiful way. Something like that is not worth putting on the line for a fleeting moment of pleasure. Don't let Satan convince you with his lies.

You can be free - the question is how badly you want it. The question is what price you are willing to pay for your sin. In the past four months, I have fallen twice. To me, this is a massive victory when earlier, I could not go two weeks without falling into pornography. I know I am on the way up. Victory is mine in Jesus Christ. I thank God for the renewed perspective He has given me.

Feedback

2007-01-09T01:34:00.000-08:00

More than four months ago, I began my attempt to help people struggling with pornography. Judging from the poll, many people who visit the site indeed struggle with pornography at least off and on. So since we have now entered 2007, I would like to ask you, the reader, for some feedback. What are your thoughts concerning this website? Any constructive criticism is more than welcome! You can either leave a comment to this post or enter the forum (button located on the bottom right), where I created a thread for the purpose of receiving feedback concerning this website. Thank you so much and God bless you!

Pulling out the root - Part 2

2007-01-01T06:59:00.000-08:00

Recently, I shared a little insight God has given me concerning the necessity to not only snap off the weed of sin in our life, but also pull out the root. Many of us have snapped off the weed so many times - it is time to pull out the root of pornography and masturbation. But how?

This is no easy question. I have repeatedly stated on this blog that I do not want to give easy answers that do not essentially help you in any way. Another problem with the question is that I am in the process of pulling out the root myself; any answer I give is partial at best.

The road to victory is different for every single one of us. Though I am tempted to want to give you a five-step plan to victory, I do not believe it works that way. One thing that is essential, however, is admitting you cannot conquer it by yourself. You can't! You don't have it under control; it will not go away by itself, neither in time nor after you get married. Reading all the books you can read and praying all the prayers you can pray will most likely not bring you the victory.

So what will help you on your way to victory?
1. Lay down your pride and open up to people you trust, people that can help you. Admit you cannot conquer it by yourself. Get help - don't be too ashamed.
2. Be honest with yourself about yourself. Get real with God, shove everything else aside and set your heart on living for God and seeking His face, building your relationship with Him.
3. Fill yourself with the truth of God's Word. Realize that God is both loving and righteous, both forgiving and holy. He has made the victory available for you through faith in Jesus Christ.

The testimony I posted last time has been a great turning point for me recently. At the same time, I realize it might not always be that way for everybody. If you feel you want to talk about your struggles or need advice, feel free to email me. Let's not just snap off the weed - let's pull out the root!

Testimony

2006-12-23T02:00:00.000-08:00

Recently, somebody wrote this testimony on a Bible forum. More than anything I have ever read, this testimony has both motivated and inspired me to stay as far away from porn as I possibly can. I want to share it with you here and do so with the permission of the author, though I will keep it anonymous. I pray it inspires you as it has inspired me...

Wow this is a topic that is very personal to me. I have been on the other end of the problem - being the one that is in the pornography and then eventually making myself "available" to men for compensation. I met some very nice men in my past who loved their families dearly but desperately struggled with sexual addiction and pornography. They were one of the reasons I decided to leave, as I didn't want to be the cause of someone else's addiction and spiritual downfall. I felt deeply responsible. How could I not accept my role?

I know that this is difficult for some men, as it seems that men are just wired a little differently. They are very visual and can easily separate the human being from the image. If you can, the next time that you see an image on the internet, try to take a moment and see the woman in the image as a person and not just an image. Try to see her as someone who has parents, siblings, possibly children and people who care about her. Try to imagine someone close to you - your wife, your sister, a woman in your life you care for deeply in that image. Try to imagine them posing and other men seeing them as just objects. It's disturbing when you look at it that way. You wouldn't want it for them. Before I entered the adult industry I found myself being hurt after boyfriend after boyfriend seemed to struggle with pornography. It battered my self esteem. I always thought I must not be pretty enough that they needed something else. I guess eventually I thought, if you can't beat em - join em.

I want for more men to know that a large majority of the women who work in clubs, pose in magazines or are in movies or prostitution do have families and are people. Many of the women I knew were single mothers. It's easy to get lost in the fantasy and think that these women just are very sexual and love what they do and want to make you feel good. It's harder to look past the surface and see the very personal and spiritual price they pay for someone to get a release.

It encourages me that more and more men and beginning to talk about this and that Christians are stepping up to help in recovery. If the Lord can plant the seeds in my heart to help me try to quit I know the same can happen for you. My role was an addiction too as I was compensated very well. I am still struggling with giving up that aspect of it. I think you and I can both tackle our addictions if we take them one day at a time. We are very blessed to have so much support on our side!

Pulling out the root

2006-12-11T02:26:00.000-08:00

Recently, God showed me something very essential in understanding my struggle with uncleanness in my life. I was actually preaching when I had this thought and used it in my sermon - the result in people's life was powerful.

God showed me a garden with plants growing here and there. As in (almost) every garden, there were weeds that needed to be pulled out. I remember that as a kid, I used to just snap of the weed where it comes out of the ground, thinking that this would take of the problem. When my mum found out, she quickly pointed out to me that snapping off the weed would not solve the problem, because I was leaving the root in the ground. The result would only be that the weed would grow back. She showed me how to pull out the weed with root and all.

Our struggle with sin in general and pornography in particular is like this. We often snap off the weed, believing that we've taken care of the problem. The weed is gone - at least, it cannot be seen - and we go on our merry way, thinking we've removed sin from our lives. After a little while, however, it grows back. We fall back into sin and wonder what went wrong - had we not removed it? We snap it off again and repeat the cycle until we become frustrated, discouraged, or even depressed.

But God is telling us that we need to pull out the root, not just snap of the weed. He wants us to take care of the root problem - and the root is in the soil of our heart. Our hearts need to be dug up so that God can take care of whatever it is in our hearts that needs to be changed. We need to be willing - if necessary with somebody else - to let God dig up the soil of our hearts, bring the roots of this sin to the surface, so that He can remove it - for good.

That process is painful...but it's the only way.

Remember your chains

2006-11-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

My sincerest apologies for not updating this site. I have been very involved in an emigration process, which has taken up a lot of my energy and time. No excuse is good enough, however, and so I have resolved to keep updating this site on a regular basis once again. Please note that I have added a link to a fellow Blogger's struggle with pornography, namely 'A Porn Addict's Blog'.

As you may have gathered from previous posts, my struggle with pornography has not yet led me to the point where I am not tempted anymore or never give in anymore. I can go weeks with little struggle, only to be caught unawares and give in again. Just recently, I had been rejoicing in the victory God had given me. Being free from Pornography and Masturbation is a truly wonderful feeling. All too soon, however, the memory of their chains wore off and I found myself taken in by the lie once again.

I am reminded of a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, which says the following:

Remember your chains
Remember the prison that once held you
Before the love of God broke through
Remember the days you were without grace
And you see where you are now
Remember your chains
And remember your chains are gone

How easy it is to forget. But we must remember. Don't believe the lies and allurements of sin. Remember your chains!

The Father Loves you

2006-09-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

The Father loves you
What a hard thing to believe
But it is true
He loves you with everything He has
He longs for you with all of His heart

Love means relationship
And relationship implies wanting
Wanting to be with somebody
Wanting to please somebody
Wanting to give yourself to somebody
Completely

The Father wants you - your heart
Your thoughts, Your sexuality
Everything
Not because it's the law
But because He loves you

Love conquers everything
Even the sin you struggle with
Love is stronger
Love is greater
Love is purer

So take the hand of your Father
Live a life of love
And even when you fall
God still loves you
He is standing there
Ready to pick you up
Hug you
And carry you

Understanding the Cycle of Sin

2006-08-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

While browsing the internet, I found an excellent resource for understanding and overcoming pornography and masturbation. You can find it here or you can click on the link I added in the sidebar called Understanding the cycle of Porn. This website gives an explanation of what happens when we are tempted to view pornography and/or masturbate. More than any other article I have ever read on the subject, the author gives a magnificently clear understanding of the whole process, which really helps in overcoming masturbation and pornography. So let me encourage you to take the time to click on the link and read the article. Trust me, it will be worth your while.

When we cannot

2006-08-02T03:10:00.000-07:00

One of the things I want to avoid in the things I share with you on this website is giving you pet answers. I do not want to tell you to just memorize and recite Scripture and everything will be ok, simply because both you and I know that it won't. Overcoming pornography is not as simple as reciting Scripture. In fact, one of the major problems I have encountered in overcoming pornography is that no matter what I tried to do to keep myself from giving in, I would always end up failing.

I recall one occasion when I was using my laptop. I had just been surfing the internet for a bit when that old familiar feeling came over me...I just had to visit that site. I didn't want to though, and a struggle ensued. I opened my browser, typed in the web address, deleted the address, typed it again, moved my hand towards the Enter-key but pressed backspace instead...this went on for a little bit until suddenly I heard the voice of God in my heart as clear as I ever had: "Trust and Wait." Immediately, I understood what God was saying. Trust - trust that He would provide in all of my needs, including my sexual ones. He knows my heart and my life, He loves me and will provide me with everything I need if I just trust in Him. Wait - wait for the woman that He would give me in His time instead of being impatient and trying to find that intimacy I longed for in pornography.

The moment God spoke those words to my heart, the struggle was over and the temptation overcome. I closed the browser and put my laptop away, ecstatic at the new resolve these words had given to me. I was sure that if I just kept this 'trust and wait' in mind, I would never give in to pornography or masturbation again!

As in many cases, however, the resolve didn't last very long. I told myself that the next time I was tempted, I would simply tell myself to 'trust and wait' and everything would be ok. For a while it worked like I thought it would. Sooner than I had anticipated, however, the 'trust and wait' defence mechanism failed and I gave in.

More than once, something similar has happened to me. What I have come to understand through all of this is that no method, no system, nothing I tell myself to do or say when temptation comes is actually strong enough to keep me from giving in. No system or methodology will ever give me the victory over pornography. The only one that can help me is Jesus. Since He is a Person, victory over pornography has much more to do with a relationship with Him than with some kind of principle or system or method that we try to use - no matter how Biblical that principle or system or method might be.

Jesus does not have the answer; Jesus is the answer.

New Features

2006-07-29T01:54:00.000-07:00

Some new features have been added to the site, that I would like to draw your attention to. A forum is now available, where you have the possibility of sharing your thoughts on the subject of pornography, asking for help, or whatever it is you want to write in relation to pornography. Also, I have added a poll and would like to invite you to cast your vote to give me an idea where visitors of this site are at in their struggle with pornography. Thanks so much and God bless you!

You do have a choice

2006-07-26T03:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in that place? You are using the computer, not doing much in particular. Your mind is not set on indulging in any sexual pleasure - in fact, it may even be something you haven't thought about for days or weeks. Then suddenly a frightfully strong desire comes over you. Maybe it's because of the boredom, maybe it's because of the fact that this is one of those rare occasions where you are alone. In any case, thoughts start flowing (seemingly out of nowhere) and feelings start coming - feelings that compel you to browse to sites you don't really want to visit.

Through my many struggles, I have learned that this is a crucial stage in fighting pornography in your life. What often happened to me was this: without realizing it and before I had even visited any pornographic websites, I had already given in to the temptation. My feelings told me I cannot resist, my mind told me I have been here before and I know what is going to happen. Paralyzed by this realization, my resistance crumbled and I would end up giving in to my Mr. Hyde.

But it doesn't have to be that way!

When these thoughts come, you and I need to remember two crucial things:
1. Just because you had the thought and had the feeling, doesn't mean that you have already given in to the temptation. You have not sinned just by having the thought. Compare it with receiving Spam that is aimed at spreading virusses throughout your PC and thus destroying it. Receiving the Spam does not destroy your computer - opening it does. In the same way, don't worry about receiving the thought - just don't open it!
2. You have a choice. You are not doomed to go down that same road over and over again. When the thoughts enter your mind, you have a choice. THE LIE SATAN WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE IS THAT YOU CANNOT RESIST! And our minds and bodies are so programmed to believe this lie that we oftentimes give in without even offering the enemy a decent fight!

But let's look at the facts: Jesus Christ, God Himself, died on the cross for your sins. Since sin requires the death-penalty, He took the death that should have been ours. We have been given a clean slate by Jesus - a slate that is wiped clean every time we come to Him and confess our sins. What is just as wonderful, though, is that Jesus rose from the grave and proved Himself stronger that death and the sins that He carried. By doing so, He destroyed the power of sin over our lives and gave us the ability to live in victory every day if we only give ourselves to Him.

Through Jesus Christ, you have a choice! The next time those thoughts come - and you and I know they will come - we can recognize the lie and say no. You will find that the thoughts and feelings that have plagued you are not nearly as strong as they said they were. You will find that victory is not a utopian ideal. You will find that you do have a choice.

What do I really want?

2006-07-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

Few things are easier in life than deceiving yourself. As humans, we are so quick to betray ourselves and say that we want A, when an honest look at reality will immediately tell us that what we really want is B. I've been in that place many times myself. I told myself I wanted to quit pornography and that I hated the images and video's I saw. But as every vow to quit was followed by defeat, I began to question what I was telling myself. What do I really want?

If you were to make a shallow observation of my life, you would see a deep moral conviction that pornography is wrong - it goes against God's plan for sexuality, it destroys what God has made so beautifully, it destroys my relationship with other human beings, it destroys myself, and most of all, it destroys my relationship with God.

Now, that is what you would see...

Dig a little deeper, however, and you would find a stronger force at work. If I were to be honest with you, I would confess that I like those images. They make me feel good, they draw me like a moth is drawn to a flame. Whenever I think of those images, I am almost irresistably drawn to them. And those thoughts lead to actions - pornography and masturbation. Though I am familiar with the shame that haunts me after the act, it does not keep me from doing it again. I have become a mere animal following its instinct.

But dig a little deeper still - there is more than instinct. Deeper than my moral convictions and deeper than my lust for pornography is another force; once again I have fooled myself. I thought that this lust was what ultimately drove me, but for a second time I have misinterpreted reality. What I truly long for is not to gratify myself with the picture of a naked woman or to see two people having sex. What I want more than anything else is to love and be loved.

And sex is not love. When I say I long to love, I mean that I long to cherish and nurture that other person, to be there completely for her, and to lay down my life for her so that she might be all that she can be. Though this may sound idealistic, I know it can be reality. I know that God has a woman for me somewhere - somebody He is giving to me to love and to be loved by. I know God has a woman with whom I can celebrate sex the way God meant it: because of love and within marriage.

I also know that God wants me to keep myself, my eyes, and my sexuality for her alone. So herein lies the choice: what do I really want? Do I recognize my deepest desires and deny myself so that I can have the best that God has for me? Or do I settle for less, deceive myself, and thereby also destroy myself? What do I really want?

What do you really want?

Feel free to give me your feeback at pornandyou@gmail.com

Welcome - My Story

2006-07-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

I did it again...I told myself so many times that I wasn't going to give in anymore. I wasn't going to look at those pictures, enjoy those movies again. I hate it. I want to be free. Free to enjoy sexuality the way God meant for me to enjoy it.

Maybe you recognize these thoughts. I certainly do...they have been mine. I was raised as in a loving, Christian home with godly, Biblical values and ethics. I got to know God at a young age and have always had a tremendous desire for Him in my life. Yet there was this one thing that crept into my life when I was in my teens. It must have started when I was at my friend's house and his mum was watching a sex-scene from a movie. I was fascinated, curious, dumbfounded by the feelings that came alive in me. Masturbation followed. Masturbation became looking at girls in swimwear on the internet, which turned into looking at topless girls online, which turned into watching sex-scenes online.

Do not get me wrong, I was not struggling with pornography 24/7; the struggle came and went. Because I loved God, I always kept on fighting. I knew God loved me and wanted to set me free, but at times that concept seemed so far away. I kept on stumbling and falling...it was the one secret in my otherwise 'examplary' life.

Quite a few years have passed since that moment at my friend's house, and yet I am still faced with the choice every day...the fight to do what I know in my heart is right. Do I choose lust or do I choose purity? I want to please God, follow my conscience...but I also want to give in, because it feels so good.

Sounds familiar? If you struggle with pornography, I know you can identify with what I am saying - even if you don't believe in God. Openness is a great first step to victory, and I hope my openness will encourage you to be open as well. I also have discovered some secrets that I feel could help you to break free from these chains that are binding you.

So I hope you will join me in this journey I want to take with you. Don't be discouraged - defeat is not the end.